Hate is Not My Ally

So today I was overcome by a weird feeling. This is something I've already come to accept, so I didn't think I would have this affect.

While driving home, I was listening to my ipod, going through the songs until one sounded good. I can across the song "We Danced" by George Strait. This song was introduced to me by my ex-boyfriend, Clay, and although it wasn't "our song", it was a close second. Now, I've listened to this song a million times since we broke up, which was almost three years ago. For some reason though, I was overcome by tears and memories. These were not sad, pathetic, "Oh, woe is me", Scarlet O'Hara tears, they were just tears. And the memories weren't bitter ones of our fights, nor were they ones that were from the peak of our "love", they were simply memories.

It felt nice to be able to look back and be content. It took me a long time to get over our break up. It is this reason on why this blog is important. I hurt a lot of people after Clay and I broke up. First was Jeff, the first guy I tried dating after the break up. It had only been a few months after everything; it was stupid of me to think I was ready to be out there again after a year and a half, and before that almost a year with a different guy. We went on two dates, held hands once, and then I couldn't do anything and I came up with a BS reason to not go out on another date.

Second was Andrew. He was younger than me, something I swore I'd never do, and I will say that for three days I was insane for doing it. I've always been more mature than people older than me, how was I supposed to do younger? Two dates, some hand holding, a kiss or two, and I was done. This time I actually had a reason to give aside from the fact that I was scared still. He had told me he loved me after we had been dating for two days. With other boyfriends I've waited AT LEAST six weeks. This gave me an out. We never talked again.

Then Zach. We had an interesting relationship to begin with and even if I had been ready, it never would have worked. From the beginning, I hated him with a passion. He was immature, made fun of people for a living, and said horrible things about people. Somewhere in there, we became friends. The more we talked, the more he understood why I felt certain ways, so he would change those things and I would like him, and then the circle would continue. Again, this time I had a reason to call it off. He had never had a real girlfriend, never kissed a girl, never did a lot of things. Then he started acting like he was on and/or involved with drugs, which anyone who knows me, knows that is a big no. Plus his friends were asses. It ended with many huge fights and parental threats to press charges.

I am sorry to all of you. It wasn't right for me to do it to you, you are too good of people. I should have waited until I really was ready. I had to find myself, and I used you to find me, which only set me back farther, allowing me to hurt more people.

I have one last person to apologize to: myself. After I found myself, I went to college and continued to improve myself. One thing though that didn't improve me. I would look for guys, lead them on, do what I pleased, and after two or three dates, leave. I developed a pattern. No one made it past three dates. I was a mix between Samantha from "Sex and the City" and Rizzo from "Grease".

After this, I found Cory and he helped bring me back, remember that love was possible and relationships are good. But for about a year and a half, I was horrible to a lot of people, myself being one of them, and I would like to apologize. I would like you to know I'm sorry for everything.

I don't want this to become me.
"Everyone will tell you to let it go and move on, but don't. Instead, let it fester and boil inside of you. Take these feelings and lock them away inside of you. Let them fuel your actions. Let hate be your ally."-Older Goob from "Meet the Robinsons"