The Beginning

We all have to start somewhere. Technically, this is the third time I'm starting, but something tells me that this is the one. So please forgive me, but this is going to be a little lengthy. Or maybe I'll break it up a little, I just don't want to forget anything.

This past year I have come to realize a lot. I guess the big thing is that last year around this time, I wasn't happy. I mean, right now I'm not jumping for joy, but we'll get back to that later. But last year, I was in a very fake place. And then little by little, day by day, it all really came to me. I had no clue what I wanted, where I wanted to be, who I wanted with me. I was probably a psychologist dream case, which is ironic because even though at this time I was technically a Nursing major, I was still taking classes for my previous major, Psychology. I was studying to be something I really didn't want to be, aside from the fact that nurses get to wear scrubs and tennis shoes all day. I was in a job that I hated, that lasted only a month because I could not live with myself in this job. I was arguing with family, with Cory, with myself.

Last summer, I had a break down. I had a very minor car accident, but I hit my head pretty good on the steering wheel. Dumb me fell asleep, even though better judgment, my mother, told me not to. When will I learn to listen? Well, for about two hours after I woke up, the world to me was a new place. I had forgotten about the summer class I was taking, the fight Cory and I had had the day before, a lot of things. As everything started coming back, I realized I was not in a place I wanted to be. It was here that I started facing things that I wanted to sweep under the rug. I wanted to be more independent from my parents, which meant looking for a job. I had to realize that a lot of things that were "wrong" with our relationship, was not all his fault, but mine too. I had to get enough lady balls to tell my parents that I wanted to be an artist, and that I didn't care that I wouldn't make a great deal of money. In about 3 months, I had to get enough lady balls to do a lot of things, but I came to realize that a lot of the problem with everything that was a problem was that I was trying to be something that I was at one point in time. I was in a huge ego threat.

Around October, things started looking up more and more. I had a job. I had a major I liked. Cory and I have learned to talk more openly about problems. We learned to love each other here, especially around Thanksgiving time, which, coincidentally is when we first said "I love you". I learned to love myself again. I loved myself once before, but I was single then, and I know, it should be the same. But if you lose yourself in the relationship like I did, you have to learn to love yourself again. I think Cory loves me more for it.

In January/February, I came full circle. I, once again, do not have a job, which is probably something to rant about later. But I have other things that last year I didn't have. I have lady balls, which helps a lot. No one is walking over me now. I have a family that supports me, even though they are scared to death for me. I have friends that are just like me. They're nerdy and artsy and just a little left of center and brilliant. I have love, not only for someone else, but myself, which is really hard sometimes. And even on days when I feel all alone, then my parents, and Cory and the world are against me, I have myself. And if all else fails, I have this.

So thank you for taking the time to read this. This is about me handling all the bull shit that I really don't want to. This is about me breaking down every detail that doesn't make sense in my life, and me facing it and making it part of me. This is about me taking the good, and taking the bad, and taking them both and just living with it. This is me handling the truth.