Best Friends, Rude People, and Just Plain Fun

Sorry I haven't been posting lately, I've been a little busy with school and then I headed to Red Oak for a little time with the family, and seeing as I don't currently have my laptop, I had no way of posting. Overall, it was a pretty good time.

Friday, I guess, would be the first day of some importance. I got my final check from the Theatre and my W2. I whole $41 and not even enough money to claim. I guess it's not too important. Any money I would have gotten back would have gone to rent anyways. Then around 3, I said goodbye to Cory and the kittens and hit the road. This drive wasn't that bad. A friend that lives in the same direction as I do was also heading back. It was nice having the company, and also knowing that if something happened, there would be somewhere there who knew me. But for the first half of the trip, I had him, and the second half is always faster because the cities are closer together. I finally got in around 8:30 and by 10, I was ready to crash. I hadn't slept that good in a while, although most nights have been good sleep ever since I started feeling better.

The next morning, my dad took my car in to get new tires. All new tires made in August of 2010, not some random month in 2001. While he was getting the tires replaced, he noticed that the tire in the trunk (the broken one) had busted a laundry detergent bottle and it had spilled all over my trunk. Me and my mom got the trunk cleaned up, luckily the only thing of value that was ruined was a textbook, but I can get another one off Amazon cheap, and maybe even a more recent one. For lunch, I got together with Sam, my best friend and one of the few people I still talk to  from high school. We ate lunch at El Fenix and then did a little shopping. We both got some new clothes. I love getting together with her. We had a fall out for a little while in high school, but I think it's only made us stronger. We have a lot in common and I think we'll always be close. I'm not sure what I would do without her. After I got back from spending time with her, my dad and I headed up to AT&T and I was able to get rid of the P.O.S. I had. My new phone is pretty bad ass. As of this moment, I would suggest a Windows phone over an Android. I've only had it a couple days, but I had more problems with my first two Androids in the first week, so maybe I really have found my phone. And it flows amazingly. I really think anyone looking for a new phone should check out the Windows. I have the Quantum and if you like the QWERTY keyboard, it's your phone. The buttons are the perfect size and they're not hard to press.

While at the store, and incredibly rude woman was there. The store is set up quite simply. You enter the door from the front, on each wall are the phones and accessories, and at the end is the desk where you check out. Now, blocking the view of the sales persons from being able to see everything is a display that stands as about as tall as an average person and is about 2.5 to 3 feet wide. A woman in about her 60s was sitting against the wall, right where it would be impossible to see her behind the display. While the associate that was helping me was trying to get a hold of the corporate to approve something, she was asking the two people who were visible to her if she could solve any quick questions. The lady said nothing while the associate asked the question about 4 times. Now, about 15 minutes later, another customer walked in. The second associate told the new customer that she would be with her momentarily. This is when the lady sitting against the wall finally speaks. "I've been here for 30 minutes and no one even said hello to me." she barked. Both associates apologized, and then they kind of glance in each others direction giving each other the look of "Oh great." The lady then yells at them to not look at each other like she's their mother. She continued to say rude comments the rest of the time I was there, and I'm sure afterward too, making it completely awkward to be there.

After leaving there, my parents, my brother and I went to go pick up my niece, and then head over to my brother, sister-in-law, and baby nieces house. We got to celebrate all of the March birthdays, which would be Callie, Amy, me, and Chris (that being the order of our birthdays). Ryan's birthday is in the beginning of February, so in a way, his was celebrated to because it was the first time we had all been together and been able to do so. Then that night Callie spent the night. I have a close relationship with my niece and she is definitely a very important person in my life and so every time we get to spend some time together, it's really nice.

The next and final morning, we went and had an early lunch at my favorite restaurant, Chuy's. Really, the best Mexican restaurant out there. If you're ever in San Antonio, North Dallas, Arlington, or Ft. Worth, make sure to check it out. Get the queso for sure and also the Chicka-Chicka Boom Boom. It really is the best. Callie and I got some shirts too. They have hilarious shirts. Although, later pointed out to me, mine is a lot more sexual than I could have thought. It has their, I guess, mascot being chased by the PacMan ghosts and it is chasing a taco and says Chuy's in the PacMan writing. Then, on the back, it has the PacMan game, and in the middle it says "Eat Me" and then the food that it has already eaten is a taco and a burrito. Now, you may need to think about it a little bit if your mind doesn't go straight to the gutter. I did not think about any of this while I was getting it; however, it was Cory's first thought after I showed him.

Well, after that I hit the road back to San Angelo. It took forever, but I finally made it back around 5:45 and got to spend some good quality time with Cory and the kittens.

As Equals

One of my greatest annoyances is people telling me that I have to do something one way because they would do it that way. If you say "Hey Kelsey, why don't you try it this way?", you know what, I will. Because you made a suggestion, and hey, maybe it is better than what I was thinking. But what I can't stand is, "I wouldn't do that and you shouldn't either."

On our very first project in the design class, my teacher told me that statement: "I wouldn't do that and you shouldn't either." Well, one, I wanted to do it. I thought it looked brilliant. And two, this isn't your project. Oh, I despised him for it. It really did just get under my skin. I wanted to do it just to spite him, but I know he would have given me a worse grade had I actually done that. All because he wouldn't do it. Needless to say, the class became one that I hated. I didn't want to go to it, I found all the projects meaningless, and I really wouldn't listen to his critiques.

Today, this changed. Because last week I had been sick, I hadn't been in class and missed some lectures and going over the details of our latest project. I knew what we were supposed to do in general terms, but I didn't know everything, and it made it hard to actually start on anything. Since today was my first full day back in the class, he pulled me into his office to explain in more detail what we were supposed to do. I'm not sure how we got to talking about it, but he mentioned he used to be a runner, until he blew out his foot. I told him I could relate, due to a skiing accident that terribly injured my knee and making it hard for me to do a lot of things I used to enjoy. We also related in the fact that neither of us are big on actually teaching, we just want to do our art. We talked as equals, not as a teacher and a student. It was nice to know that we had things in common.

I still don't really like the guy, like really like him. He's okay. It will take a while for his initial comment to fade. I mean, after all, the first impression is the most important. But, he doesn't stand where he used to either. I don't think I'll mind the class as much anymore.

Within Light is Darkness; Within Darkness is Light

So today was a pretty kick ass day, I'm not going to lie. I was a little hesitant seeing as my roommate had friends over last night, but they were relatively quiet and I was so worn out from being sick all week I passed out quite fast. And I slept all night through. I can't remember the last time that happened. When I woke up at 12, I was refreshed, not totally caught up on sleep, but enough to really feel a difference. I was able to wake up at my own pace and not have to worry about being late to anything if I accidentally fell asleep again. God, I love that feeling. And to top it off, I slept in my new sheets my mom bought me last week and they are so soft and silky and perfect.

When I actually did get up, it was the first time that I actually wanted to make myself all nice a pretty since before I got sick. I love that feeling too. Today was a lot of "Love That Feeling." I spent a little time with my kittens before I left for the day. I love those babies so much.

 Once out, I got some Cinnabon for me and Cory, dropped of a game at Hastings and headed over to Cory's. He was still sleeping, but that was okay because I really wanted to go over there to watch "The Back-Up Plan." I love that movie. It's the perfect romantic comedy and it has a plot line that isn't exactly always thought of. And shortly after it was over, Cory woke up; mostly because him mom called, but he knew it was time to wake up also. By this time it was 5:30, and I was starving for some real food-Mexican to be exact. Cory and I tried a new place-Mejor Que Nada. He had been there once before, but it had been a while so it doesn't count. I haven't had Mexican food that's not Taco Bell in forever. Actually, I haven't had that in a while either and I'm really craving it. I love when the quesidillas are perfectly made! But back to dinner. It was really good. The salsa had a great kick to it, they have white queso, which is my favorite because I don't have to worry about a migraine, and it had a perfect atmosphere. Both Cory and my dinners were perfectly cooked. I was so happy about it. To top it off, it wasn't at all expensive!

After dinner we were going to see Gnomeo and Juliet, but we decided a different night would be better. We went and walked around the mall and saw some friends there. I bought some incense at Earthboud and they smell amazing. I can't wait to use them. Then we went to Wal-Mart and my day got even better. Because Valentine's Day is over, all the stuff left over is like 50% off. Fun Dip is one of my most favorite candies ever and they had a box of 24 on sale. Cory bought me 4 of them and a little mini bear that matches the big one he bought me on the actual Valentine's Day, only it says "Kiss Me" instead of "Be Mine." Then he also bought me the new Sims: Outdoor Stuff game. Man I hit the jackpot! I was so happy. And because the Valentine's stuff was all about $6 together, it wasn't that expensive of a purchase, or a day.

Tomorrow we're going to go to the carnival. I've never been to it, but it's only my second year in San Angelo. I can't wait! I really do think I have a great boyfriend. We not only love each other, we like each other. We've been through a lot in the year we've been together. I know we'll have more trials as we go, but I can't wait for it because I know we'll make it through. I've never been so happy in a relationship. Not saying anything bad about my past relationships, but they were high school relationships that, as much as we liked to believe then, were not going to go anywhere. This is a more adult relationship, which I've never had before and is a little scary, but it's a good scare. He's never been in a relationship this long, and I'm getting close to my longest relationship mark, about another month and a half. Then we'll both be in a new territory, but that's okay, we'll make it.

It's a Love/Hate Kind of Relationship

Friday is my longest day, it is my hardest day, it is Ceramics Day. I love ceramics, and I hate it. It's a feeling that I have with most of my art. It is so mentally frustrating, it can be physically straining, and it can make you want to run away. And then you step away, breathe, and look at it, and even if it's not perfect, it's beautiful. I get to experience this feeling for five and a half hours straight every Friday.

I love the people in the class. They are simply brilliant. They are a perfect match for me on the friend scale. They make me glad I took the class. Except one girl. Every time she speaks to me, I bite my tongue and slip into the "Just Don't Listen" state. She likes to tell me that everything I am doing is wrong. The first time she critiqued me, I was working on my coil pot. She told me that I needed to stop after the next coil. One, no shit Sherlock. Two, do you, a person who has just as much experience as I do, had the right to tell me what I need to do? I don't. Today, she did it again. This time I was throwing and I was trying to get my clay centered so I could start working on my cylinder. When I throw, I throw left handed. For those of you who aren't sure what that means, instead of using my right hand to primarily form the clay that way I want, I use my left, which is different since I am technically right handed. My wheel had barely spun around a few times when she comes over and told me that I needed to do it with my right hand and I would have better results. This time my complaints with her were even more. She showed up to class two hours late and acted like nothing happened. The teacher specifically told me that I should try throwing left handed and maybe it would be easier for me. And, she is just as new as I am and has no right to tell me what to do. That's really one of my pet peeves. I hate it enough when a teacher tells me I'm doing something wrong because I hate being wrong. But when a peer who isn't more experienced than I am in any way tells me that I'm doing it wrong, I flip shit. I told her that I threw left handed and that I didn't care that she thought I was doing it wrong.

Even before she left, I got back in the zone. I tuned into my music and my hands forming around the clay. This really is a calming experience, nothing can touch me. I love feeling the clay slide around my hands and through my fingers. I love feeling the water pour over my hands and giving the water a slick texture. The hum of the wheel as it spends blocks out the world around me. Feeling the clay become more and more centered the longer it spends, pulling it up into a tall cone and pushing it down back to a small cone. I could sit there and do it all day, although eventually my clay would become to saturated and therefore useless. But while there, it is the best feeling I ever could have. All of my stress just goes away and I'm left with a pure feeling in my body.

I continue this feeling after class too. This is something that has always just brought me peace, but after almost six hours of being dirty, and a long week, this feels just perfect. I take a nice, hot, long shower. It's a really peaceful time. First, I wash off all of the dried on clay, then the words of the girl who always finds a way to annoy me, and then, the week. It's so relaxing to just escape. And when I'm done, my week is over and my weekend has begun. I have a fresh mindset and nothing can bring me down.

Acception is Key

Originally, I wanted to rant about my roommate.I wanted to say every mean thing in the book. But then, after talking to my mother, I'm not going to. However, in these next couple of days, I am going to think about what I want to say, write it out a few times, and then tell her. Pretty much what I am going to tell her is that she is not allowed to use any of my pots, pans, dishes, or games; that she needs to be respectful of the sound; and that she needs to learn how to use the AC/Heater. It's all a matter of respect, and I am not feeling it.

On a happier note, I think I'm healthy. I know, yesterday I wasn't sure, and I'm still not, but I think that I have gotten it fixed. I'll be more sure about it the more I go without being sick. It will be nice to have a normal life again. But I still plan on drinking water and eating salads more regularly. I have another thought too. I will, after my motivation class, walk from the side of campus I am on, all the way to the other side, and back. I'm not sure how far it is, but I know it will be good for me, a place to start. And I really hope that I can stick to this. I know that I have the support of my mother on this. She's always been a good person to keep me motivated, and she's always been one concerned about weight. I'm proud of my mothers weight loss that she has had, and I hope that she can, one day, be proud of the weight I have lost, or at least be proud of the fact that I am healthier.

I feel better these past few days because all I've had is water. The last time I went this long without caffeine was when I was a Junior in high school. I gave up caffeine for Lent and actually made it the entire time. Come Easter morning, I had made up for all the caffeine I had lost. But after that, I did drink substantially less energy drinks. But my body feels more clean. I'm going to keep this up until it's at least been a week, and I know for sure I'm healthy before I have another soda. But I really am going to try and keep my sodas to a minimum.

I know that y'all probably don't think that this is as interesting as me ranting about my roommate, but this blog isn't about me making a fool of myself, it's about me coming to terms with my life. Sometimes I'm going to need to rant and rave about what I'm feeling, but when it comes down to it, I write so that way I can get out what I'm feeling so I can look at it, observe it, and accept it for what it is.

Still MIA

So, slowly but surely I'm getting healthier. My body is sure taking its precious time. I'm going to spare you any details, and I don't want to disclose any of it on the internet. Hopefully soon it will get better. And I have to give props to Cory for not laughing at me through all of this, instead, being there for me and helping me with whatever I need. And my kittens, especially Lovin' Spoonful, have never left my side.

But this sickness has taught me some stuff. Usually when I'm sick is when I actually listen to what I'm being taught because I don't want to go through it again. My plan is to eat a salad once a day, and lots more water. I've been really good with the water. I've drank about 64 oz today, along with some Gatoraid. Tomorrow after class I'll go buy some salad and some dressing. I think that I should pretty much always be able to do it for lunch. Maybe, my hopes, will also help me lose some weight. I do like my body the way it is, but I also know it's not healthy. I'm not terribly overweight, and with my height, you don't tell how bad it is. Hopefully all of this will work with me.

You know what I love about being sick. No, not having to go to school. Actually, that's what I hate the most because I hate being behind. And in college the teachers don't pity you. It just makes you less of a good student. I love taking a shower. I feel like I'm washing off the sickness. Especially my face. I've always had a small problem with acne. It used to be a lot worse, but as I've gotten older and learned to take care of my skin, it's gotten better. Little bits of it have always stayed though. So whenever I'm sick and don't have the energy to shower as regularly as I normally do, washing my face just feels perfect. Feeling my pores flushed with clean water and having all that gunk washer out of it, it's a feeling that nothing else compares to. Shaving, too, is another great feeling. I don't know why, but those are little things that just make me feel better, even if I'm not.

Another thing I like is that I can catch up on movies and TV shows. I've been able to watch "The Other Boleyn Girl" and "The Bucket List," two movies I've never seen, along with many others I've seen many times. I've also almost completed the "Sailor Moon S" series and then all I'll have left is "Sailor Moon Supers" and "Sailor Stars." I can't wait. I feel a little nerdy trying to figure it all out and how I get annoyed and stuff, but I've done really good at not peaking ahead or looking up on the internet what happens next. I've very proud of myself.

Well, I'm sorry my sick life isn't as entertaining as what normally goes on, but when all you do is sleep 85% of the time, not much goes on. Maybe there will be more tomorrow, or later in the week as I hopefully get better.

Sorry About No Posts

Hey everyone, sorry I haven't posted recently. I've been under the weather. Hopefully I'll be well enough to post something tomorrow. I miss you all.

Cuss Clusters and Sweet Revenge

My roommate hasn't always brought out the worst in me. When she first moved in, I didn't really have any problems with her. She cleaned a lot, which I only found offensive when the first thing she did was clean the kitchen I had just finished cleaning. It was in December that she started to rub me the wrong way, but we had an entire six weeks apart. At the end of those six weeks, when she returned from wherever she was, was when she began to fully and completely annoy me, and slowly bring a side out of me that I had no clue existed.

We she returned that night in January, she arrived with 4 of her friends. Her friends are what originally brought out the bad in her. She knocked on my bedroom door and told me that for Christmas she had gotten a dog and that I was going to have to make sure my kittens stayed in my room. I'm sorry, but you want me to keep two 9 month old playful kittens locked away in a 10'x9' bedroom? No. Then she told me I needed to clean my dishes in the sink because her and her friends were going to cook. Cory and I had just sat down for dinner, it's not time for dishes just yet sweetheart.

She only got worse. She hasn't been working since December, and she's only taking 12 hours so she spends a lot of the daytime hours at home, with the door open so her dog has free range. Since my classes get out around 12 every day, by the time I get back, it's too late to let the kittens out. She does mini loads of laundry every day, making it very hard for me to do laundry when I need to. And despite the fact that when she leaves her load of laundry in the washer and I put it in the dryer, she does not do the same for me. Instead, she puts in on the floor forcing me to wash it again.

It finally got to a point to where I spoke up. She was playing her bass way too loud. It was like that car that you hear coming from 5 miles away and rattles your car as you wait for the light to turn green. I knocked on her door and asked her to turn it down. Sure, it was 11 in the morning, but I was trying to sleep after class. She did for a little while, but an hour later, it was even louder than where it originally was. That night, she had friends over where they partied it up until 2 AM. I understand people want to party, but she does not live alone in this apartment and I do not appreciate her and her drunk ass friends banging on the counters (I'm not sure why you would do it, but they do it a lot), laughing, and playing music while I am trying to sleep. On this particular night, I had work the next morning at 10 and I was not happy about my poor nights sleep. That night, before her and her friends went to the club, I asked her that if they returned that night, to please be quitter. For my sake they were, but that was the last bit of niceness I got from her. And it was the last she got from me.

The next Thursday night, she and her friends went out to the club and got drunk. They returned only to get more drunk. This is when a side of me that has never existed reared it's ugly head. My roommate is African American. I have never said a racist remark about any race ever before. I was raised better than that. That night though, they were being the stereotypical black people and words that have never been uttered were whispered very angrily to Cory about how they were being disrespectful and rude and cuss cluster after cuss cluster.

The next day was when I got my revenge. Our breaker box is in a room that isn't being rented, so technically it's supposed to be locked. However, our power has a tendency of going out, so maintenance allowed us to keep it unlocked. This was nice since our power went out twice and we didn't have to wait for them to turn it back on. But then I discovered that her friends were using it to sleep in and keep their pets in and other random things. So one day while passing by, I locked it with her stuff still in it. When she asked me if I had done it, I lied. Why would I do it?

Well, shortly afterward was the couple days of snow where I stayed at Cory's. One day when I came over to grab some more clothes, I found the door unlocked. I'm not sure how it happened, but it did. This time there was more in there, including what looked like a very expensive Victoria's Secret bra. Again, the door just happened to lock, and this time it was impossible to blame me because I hadn't been there in over a week.

Well, today while cleaning, I went to the fridge to grab some water. I noticed there was less food in the fridge. Less of my food and less of my Tupperware. She has decided to go home this weekend, so it just happened that while moving stuff around, I accidentally dropped one of her shot glasses. And when she put my dishes away, she just shoved them in my cupboards, so I will just do the same.

I know I was taught to be the bigger person, but when I was the bigger person, I was a mad person. So I will not get mad, I'm just going to get even.

Is the End Near?

It's funny how random things can upset a person. Now, I know any guy reading this is not going to be able to understand my point of view in this particular situation, he's only going to understand if his girlfriend/wife/mother has gone through something similar. However, there are little things in all of our lives that randomly happen that just make us upset.

My parents are coming to visit tomorrow. Lots of preparation go into my parents coming here. The kittens have to be kept out of the kitchen and living room for at least a week. The laundry has to be done the night before. The kittens have to have a bath. The sheets need be changed, the room vacuumed, the bathroom scrubbed like never before. All of this in the 24 hours before they arrive. The reason, they're allergic to cats. I'm the random person in the family that is not allergic to them.

Usually when my parents come, we go out to eat, which is nice, but I'm tired of eating out, and Cory and I are eating out on Sunday for Valentine's Day anyways. It's cheaper, it's more intimate; it's just nicer, in my opinion, to have a home cooked meal. I had it all planned out too. My moms tortilla soup, chicken empandas, and tacos. I know, a lot of food, but it's for 4 people and I want to make sure everyone has something they like.

Well, I asked my dad is he would spot me the money for it, because he always said to ask him when it came to gas and groceries and other essentials. Well, this falls in those category. I sent him a text before my Psych class. When I got out, he replied: "Why don't we just go out?" My heart dropped. I had thought out a nice meal. I had plans. I had my Saturday all planned out around preparing and cooking the food for it. And he wants to eat out? He wanted to eat fake food from a restaurant when I wanted to make real food, good food, just for them.

Yes, I was offended. I even teared up a little. I don't know why. For those of you who like to blame every single female reaction on PMS, no, I am not PMS-ing so don't even think it. It hurt that my dad didn't want to have me make a meal. He would rather spend money to pay to take 4 people out to eat (even though Cory and I would offer to pay for ourselves) and spend the same amount of money when the food I make would be tastier, healthier, and actually cheaper because there would definitely be leftovers.

To top it off, my niece won't be coming after all. This is one thing that really pisses me off. She's at the age where she would rather be with friends than with family, and because he mother is a pathetic excuse for a mother, she's allowed to do whatever she wants. When I first mentioned the idea to here, she was really excited. We haven't seen each other since December. Then, last night, after all the details had been worked out on my parents side, and I was asking her if her mom had talked to her at all about it, she had made other plans. I don't think she understands how that was wrong, but I really shouldn't be surprised. She's the "popular" girl at school who's life is always going wrong. She's allowed to do whatever, wear whatever, go wherever. And it's quite sad. I now don't know the next time I will be able to see her. She thinks that I can drop my life here and go home whenever I want, because she pretty much has the same ability. But I can't. Every trip home is planned months in advance, just as my parents trips here are. I have responsibilities that she doesn't have. But she doesn't see it because she hasn't had proper upbringing.

I really hope today is the end of this hell-week-and-a-half.

Religious vs. Irreligious

Disclaimer: I am an agnostic. I am not forcing my beliefs down your throat in this post. I have no problem with humanity and the various gods they worship. You believe what you believe, I believe what I believe. I am simply talking about a situation in which I was offended by someone and their religious beliefs because they do not accept the fact that I have the same beliefs that they do.

My boyfriend and him roommate, Tiny, rent a townhouse. They have allowed Tiny's brother, Zach, to live with them temporarily. I have no clue how long temporary is because he's been here since November. Zach is religious. I'm not sure what religion, but he has a lot of the basic beliefs, and some that I believe are extremes to the basic, but I could always be wrong. He believes in no sex before marriage. He also believes masturbation is wrong, he won't look at porn, he won't go to a strip club; nothing sexual. He refers to himself as the "Son of God". He believes in the Armageddon (he is, as we speak, watching a documentary about it and how people who believe they will survive it are stupid, and for that reason will not survive; however, because he doesn't believe he will survive, this will allow him to survive). He thinks cats are the devils pet (Cory and I have two).

He has a couple other things that make him a little different. He's easily 6' 9" and awkwardly proportioned. He listens to Irish classical music. And, my personal favorite even though it annoys the shit out of me when he does it to me, is he will talk like Dobby from "Harry Potter" for hours on end in normal, everyday conversation.

Now, I accept all of this. When he does something that's more religious than not, I simply turn the other cheek and not let it bother me. Until today. Today, I was called a whore by this "Son of God".

The way I see it is, if God/god is really going to send me to hell/purgatory/any other hell-like place, then he's going to send me. If I want to participate in whatever sacrilegious movement, then I can and I will face the consequences at judgment day. What gives you (in this case, Zach) the right to judge me because I can care less that I have sex before marriage? I understand that he doesn't agree with it, but you know what, I don't shove it in his face. It's not like we had sex on his bed, or the stairs, or the living room, or any other public place where he has to walk, sit, live in, etc. We had it in Cory's bedroom. We were not loud about it. There wasn't screaming and sex toys and the whole dominatrix thing going on. It was making love, which my parents have always told me is a very beautiful thing and it is even more beautiful when you really REALLY are in love.

Now he didn't say it flat out to my face, which actually kind of annoys me more. If you think I'm a whore or anything else, I'd really rather you tell me to my face because when you say it behind my back, nothing is accomplished. He said it under his breath while I was leaving. He asked me if Cory was here and I told him he was already at work, which was when he mumbled under his breath, "Then why are you here, whore?" The same could be asked of him, minus the whore. He has a job, he can get his own apartment. Or even, his dad lives here, and his dad is more religious than anyone in this house and his beliefs would probably be more respected there. But simply put, he is here for the same reason I am. Tiny said Zach could stay here; Cory said I could stay here. Zach doesn't pay rent here, neither do I. I at least make food for the household.

I counterbalanced Zach's remark that he thought was silent with, "Because I have a key," and left to do my grocery shopping. Simply put, I understand people out there have different beliefs than I do. There are even people that have the same beliefs but are slightly altered. I don't care. I'm not going to base my opinion of you off of that, and I'm not going to change you to make another me. But do not try and make me another you.

Stalk-aratzi Critique

So, I know I already wrote today, but I'm in the middle of trying to delete old songs and put new ones and then continue to download more and although it sounds really simple, and is, there is a lot of waiting in between things, especially since some things that need to be deleted take 5 minutes, not an exaggeration.

With all this free time on my hands, I've done a little Facebook stalking. I know it's somewhat frowned upon because it makes you look nosy, but I only have so much I can do right now because if I leave my computer for too long, I'll get behind. One person that I always happen upon while I'm nosing around on Facebook is a girl I went to high school with. Now, I know I bashed about early marriages a few days ago, but I'm going to again because she makes it so easy.

In high school she dated Guy #1. He was kind of a rebel, no that smart, everything you don't want your daughter in high school to date. Now, I don't remember how long they were together, but I do know it was long enough for them to get every single senior picture together at the beginning of our senior year. Sometime after that, her and Guy #1 broke up, but not before her parents sent in at least 8 photos of him and her for her senior ad in the back of the yearbook. Not too long after that, she started dating Guy #2: tall, athletic, smart, has a future. Before the year is up, the two are, yes you guessed it, engaged. Despite popular belief, they were not pregnant, just "in love".

Now I'm back to how Facebook ties in. I fully understand putting up pictures of you and you love on there, pictures of the wedding, your life together, etc., etc. Now, maybe I'm just weird, but this girl has 10 albums devoted to her wedding. She has pictures of her empty apartment that has paneling all over every wall, and then another album for how they decorated it in wood like colors and other things made out of wood. She has an album for all of their "firsts" but then an album for each separate event of their "first". She has albums for the cutesy pictures, the engagement pictures of when he lead her on a scavenger search that lead to him proposing, pictures they took as a couple before they were engaged by a professional, and then some after they were engaged. She pretty much has not only documented every single event that has happened to them since they became a couple, but it has it in many locations. On one occurrence, I found the same photo in 5 different albums.

Those are just the pictures though, there are videos too, sometimes the same one from a different angle. But then almost every status is dedicated to how she is going to do something for Guy #2, how he did something for her, how God has blessed her to bring him to her, how they are so happy with their lives, etc., etc. So, if the photos aren't enough to show how much she loves him, just go read their story on her status, seeing as she is one of those annoying people who updates their status every few hours or so because we really care that much.

Now, back to how this all really makes me feel: sick. She spent about two weeks between Guy #1 and Guy #2; they dated for about 4 months before getting engaged and were engaged about 9 months before getting married. Now, I don't remember exactly how long her and Guy #1 were together, but I know it was about or over a year. Am I really the only one that sees rebound here? I don't know, maybe I'm a cynic, but I just don't see how it's going to work.

I guess one thing I'll always feel is that if you love someone, why can't you just wait to marry them. If you love them now, you'll love them in one year, or two or ten. Why do it when you're poorly financed, fresh out of a relationship, and when the world is still at your feet?

Bye Bye Music

So, a couple of days ago, I did something. I did not know that I did it, or that it would be so difficult to fix. I thought that I would be making something easier. Now, to all of you who do not know the situation, it probably sounds horrible, and it is, just not on the scale that you are thinking.

Cory and I share a computer, but we have two different user accounts on it, each with their own files, photos, and music. The important one here is the music. Cory has a lot more of his music on here than I do of mine. He's had it longer, he uses it more, it makes sense. Now, I like his music, well most of it, but sometimes I don't want to listen to it. Now, because our libraries our linked, it is extremely hard for me to find my, oh, 30 songs, in all of his thousands of songs. I remember the steps on how Cory linked our music, so I figured it would be the same, just opposite, if I didn't want it there anymore. And the fact that the button next to it said "REMOVE", I figured we were good.

Well, last night, I had just gotten to sleep, Cory was up on the computer trying to fix WOW, when he asked me if I deleted his music. At first, I had no clue what he talking about and told him no, and then tried going back to sleep. But because Cory kept mumbling to himself, it was hard to do this, which in turn, made me wake up even more, which made me capable of remember the incident I just described. I told him what I did, but that I didn't delete it, only to find out that I did.

Now, I'm sure a lot of you are saying, "Why not go restore it from the Recycle Bin?" Well, don't think we didn't try. Because Cory's music file is so large, it skipped right over it. Now Cory has no music and I feel like crap. He said that he was just going to buy an external drive and tell all his friends to put their music on since that was pretty much how he got his music the last time, but that does not make me feel any better because until he gets an external, he'll have no music.

So, the first thing I did when I woke up this morning, was began research on how to get this music back. I'm currently in the process of moving files from my flash drive so I can download a program to it which is supposedly going to help me. However, this is my second program that I've tried of the morning. If it doesn't work, there is still a place where his music is all listed, just unplayable, and I plan on getting it all back. If you have any other suggestions though, please comment and let me know. I know what it's like to lose years worth of music, it's happened to me plenty of times. But I also hate seeing him upset and it makes me feel horrible.

Hate is Not My Ally

So today I was overcome by a weird feeling. This is something I've already come to accept, so I didn't think I would have this affect.

While driving home, I was listening to my ipod, going through the songs until one sounded good. I can across the song "We Danced" by George Strait. This song was introduced to me by my ex-boyfriend, Clay, and although it wasn't "our song", it was a close second. Now, I've listened to this song a million times since we broke up, which was almost three years ago. For some reason though, I was overcome by tears and memories. These were not sad, pathetic, "Oh, woe is me", Scarlet O'Hara tears, they were just tears. And the memories weren't bitter ones of our fights, nor were they ones that were from the peak of our "love", they were simply memories.

It felt nice to be able to look back and be content. It took me a long time to get over our break up. It is this reason on why this blog is important. I hurt a lot of people after Clay and I broke up. First was Jeff, the first guy I tried dating after the break up. It had only been a few months after everything; it was stupid of me to think I was ready to be out there again after a year and a half, and before that almost a year with a different guy. We went on two dates, held hands once, and then I couldn't do anything and I came up with a BS reason to not go out on another date.

Second was Andrew. He was younger than me, something I swore I'd never do, and I will say that for three days I was insane for doing it. I've always been more mature than people older than me, how was I supposed to do younger? Two dates, some hand holding, a kiss or two, and I was done. This time I actually had a reason to give aside from the fact that I was scared still. He had told me he loved me after we had been dating for two days. With other boyfriends I've waited AT LEAST six weeks. This gave me an out. We never talked again.

Then Zach. We had an interesting relationship to begin with and even if I had been ready, it never would have worked. From the beginning, I hated him with a passion. He was immature, made fun of people for a living, and said horrible things about people. Somewhere in there, we became friends. The more we talked, the more he understood why I felt certain ways, so he would change those things and I would like him, and then the circle would continue. Again, this time I had a reason to call it off. He had never had a real girlfriend, never kissed a girl, never did a lot of things. Then he started acting like he was on and/or involved with drugs, which anyone who knows me, knows that is a big no. Plus his friends were asses. It ended with many huge fights and parental threats to press charges.

I am sorry to all of you. It wasn't right for me to do it to you, you are too good of people. I should have waited until I really was ready. I had to find myself, and I used you to find me, which only set me back farther, allowing me to hurt more people.

I have one last person to apologize to: myself. After I found myself, I went to college and continued to improve myself. One thing though that didn't improve me. I would look for guys, lead them on, do what I pleased, and after two or three dates, leave. I developed a pattern. No one made it past three dates. I was a mix between Samantha from "Sex and the City" and Rizzo from "Grease".

After this, I found Cory and he helped bring me back, remember that love was possible and relationships are good. But for about a year and a half, I was horrible to a lot of people, myself being one of them, and I would like to apologize. I would like you to know I'm sorry for everything.

I don't want this to become me.
"Everyone will tell you to let it go and move on, but don't. Instead, let it fester and boil inside of you. Take these feelings and lock them away inside of you. Let them fuel your actions. Let hate be your ally."-Older Goob from "Meet the Robinsons"

Get Rid of the Old, Bring in the New

I would like to inform anyone that followed me on "This Paperback Writer" or "College 1301", those posts have now been added to this blog, "I Can Handle the Truth", and the others will be deleted in 90 days. You should now follow me here, seeing as I am updating this one way more than I did with the other two. Thank you so much.

Rules, Exceptions, and Hurt

Today I'm sitting in Motivation waiting for class to start. I sit next to two girls who somewhat know each other from other classes in the past. Both of them are 20, almost 21, and one of them is married. I was listening to them talk, like I usually do, because despite the fact they're older than me, they act like girls that remind me of high school. The married girl out of the two was talking about how she was staying with her mother and that everyone was being understanding. At first I really wasn't sure what she was meaning by all of this. The second girl replied back with, "I'm sorry, if you need anything, just let me know. You can always stay with me and (insert name of boyfriend)." It was here that I began to realize more of what the girl was talking about because she told her thank you, but that she didn't want to really be around couples right now. Then I noticed that she wasn't wearing her wedding ring, a beautiful antique ring that I have been jealous of since the first time I saw it. Then it was all clear, they were getting a divorce.

Now, I'm not going to say that she deserves a divorce, but she really did set her self up for it. She got married when she was 18 years old, she hadn't even graduated high school yet. Luckily, there are no children involved, but this just proves a lot about it, and I wish that I had had this situation available to me when I did a research paper over marriage and divorce rates and arranged marriage and divorce rates.

I used to be like this girl. I wanted to be married early and have one of those wonderful marriages where by the time we die, we've been married for 90 years. The older I have gotten, the more and more I have come to realize this is far from what I want. I guess the mishaps that have happened with Cory and I are probably a good indicator why, but there are two specific reasons other than that.

Reason #1: This is probably the smaller of the two, but it really does make me realize certain things. My best friend, Sam, recently got engaged, pregnant, and married. She's 20, and she was actually 19 when she got married. Now, they were engaged before they found out she was pregnant. Well, she knew that he was buying the ring. They've been dating for a years and a half. I would date longer, but okay, I can accept it. Then it was discovered they were going to have a baby; they married 5 months later. The reasoning, he is Catholic and is doing the right thing. I was raised Catholic, so I know that this is religiously correct, however, this isn't the 60's anymore. They just set themselves up for a 6 year marriage and a nasty divorce due to the fact that they have a gorgeous baby boy. This will be one situation in which I never tell her what I actually think because 1) I don't want to fight, we spent two years not talking to each other and I don't want that again, and 2) She'll realize it IF it happens. Yes, I said "if". There is always a chance that they are the exception, not the rule.

Reason #2: This is the biggest reason of all. It is so big that it has not only shaped and reaffirmed how I feel about marriage and engagement, but how a lot of people I know feel. Cory and I have two friends who have been dating for 3 years, got engaged, and will be married on their 4 year anniversary. Now, in my opinion, they got engaged at the right point, although the guy wasn't exactly comfortable with this, which makes me not okay with it. They had just moved in with each other, which is a big enough step. Now, the even bigger problem with this is, the girl wants a huge wedding, and they are not in a position financially for this. They are pinching pennies like nobodies business all because she wants to be married on their anniversary. The guy, every time you mention it, looks sick. He's just not ready and the strain on money doesn't help. Is this really how you want to start a marriage? Sick and in the poor house? As much as I hate to say this, they are the rule, not the exception.

Now, these two things have completely made me change how I want my relationship with Cory to be. And they have made me a little sad because potentially five people I care about are going to get hurt in one of the worst ways possible: they will lose love. Well, four of them. The baby never will, but the adults in these two situations will be hurt.

Back to Life?

So last week was probably one of the biggest wastes of my time, when it came to things that would help me with my future.

My only real day was Monday. It was nice and sunny, 60 degrees, beautiful. Then around 5 that night, the temperature dropped and from about 8 PM until 6AM, there was a combination on snow, sleet, hail, rain, thunder, and lightning. It was a little scary at times. But all Monday was nice. I get out super early those days and spent the day in bed with my love watching movies. He even took off of his night job for me that night. That made me feel really special because a couple nights before, I mentioned how I just wanted a lazy day with him and just wanted to lay around doing nothing all day.

Tuesday, class was canceled, along with work (this was when I had a job). This was nice too because it gave me another day to do nothing. Wednesday, classes were postponed until 10, which is when my one and only real class gets out. Thursday, the roads were still a bit patchy with ice and I didn't want to drive on the roads until the sun came out a little and melted some of it, so I didn't go to my class. However, I went to work only return about 30 minutes later and do little random things throughout the day. Friday, I had one class. Usually, I have a 5 hour class, but I really did not feel like going. I had just had an entire week of lazy, and you want me to go sit and make pots for 5 hours? Sorry, it wasn't happening. And then it was the weekend.

Now, it's Sunday night, and I have to mentally prepare myself for the pretty much normal week ahead of me. I mean, yeah, this time there's no job involved, and I have to super clean my apartment because my parents are coming this weekend and they're allergic to cats and I have two, and I have a two page paper (big deal) due on Friday about how obesity and depression are linked. I think also maybe I have an Astronomy test coming up. I really need to check, or at least text my friend that's in there. I know it really doesn't seem like much, and it really isn't. But after having done NOTHING an entire week, this is really a lot to ask of a person. I'm sure anyone would agree.

You know what though, I can't wait for my parents to come down. I haven't seen them since Christmas time. They'll only be here for a little bit. Originally, they were coming down to see a play at my work, but it was pretty much agreed that we wouldn't be doing that now. I'm thinking maybe making dinner at my place and seeing a movie. Usually they take me out to eat, but Cory and I will be going out Monday anyways for Valentine's Day. And I'm hoping my mom will take me shopping, at least for a couple things. And my biggest hope is that my dad takes my car in to have the tires looked at.

Interesting little side story. About mid-January, I was driving to work and all of a sudden had a blow out. I had the spare put on and took the tire up to Discount Tires to have a patch. Come to find out, my supposedly brand new tires are over 10 years old. My car is only an 07. The one that busted was rotting horribly. I had just had the car checked, and there was nothing said about my tires. Although, it was also the place that gave me the tires. My dad has had a friend at this dealership for 15 plus years and is always giving us things for the car, and since he knows that I live 5 hours away from my parents, decided new tires would be good for me. He swears he didn't know. The tire that I was given to replace my tire is newer than any other tire on there. One of them is even from 01. So this is why I hope my dad will have my tires looked at.

Well, I do have more I would like to discuss, but I know this is already longer than what everyone wants to read. Hopefully I'll just remember the stuff later.

A Couple of Refrences to Boats

I love how when people are in the same boat as you, you have all their support. But the minute it turns around and becomes better for them, you're left alone.

My ex-boss and I were in a position in which we were both about to lose our jobs recently because my ex-big boss was becoming more and more power hungry. Well, she eventually got in trouble because there was nothing legal about what was happening. Still, one week later, I find myself without job because my ex-boss wouldn't stand up for me.

I wasn't happy there. I hadn't been since my ex-boss took my other ex-boss' position when she left. She was my rock there. We got along perfectly. But my ex-big boss drove her out too. Some of her last words were "It was nice while it lasted," referring to the business, and not her time here. I have to agree with her. My ex-big boss has very little experience in what she's doing, and the fact that she rules the place like a dictator doesn't make it much better.

What really kills me though, is that my ex-boss didn't say anything. Didn't fight, didn't suggest a different course, nothing. I know more secrets about that place than I wish, and I've kept them all. You would think that I at least deserve some...I don't know. The way I see it, he's just as bad as her for staying.

Before this, I was already looking for another job, secretly of course. My plan was to either keep both of them, or leave my ex-current job at a moments notice. Now, I just get to find a new one and not have to bother with leaving, I've already done that part.

And I know I sound bitter, but I'm not as bitter as I sound. No one likes leaving a job when they don't already have another. That's pretty much where the main bitterness lies. But aside from that, I'm happy. Who really wants to go down with the ship anyways?

The Beginning

We all have to start somewhere. Technically, this is the third time I'm starting, but something tells me that this is the one. So please forgive me, but this is going to be a little lengthy. Or maybe I'll break it up a little, I just don't want to forget anything.

This past year I have come to realize a lot. I guess the big thing is that last year around this time, I wasn't happy. I mean, right now I'm not jumping for joy, but we'll get back to that later. But last year, I was in a very fake place. And then little by little, day by day, it all really came to me. I had no clue what I wanted, where I wanted to be, who I wanted with me. I was probably a psychologist dream case, which is ironic because even though at this time I was technically a Nursing major, I was still taking classes for my previous major, Psychology. I was studying to be something I really didn't want to be, aside from the fact that nurses get to wear scrubs and tennis shoes all day. I was in a job that I hated, that lasted only a month because I could not live with myself in this job. I was arguing with family, with Cory, with myself.

Last summer, I had a break down. I had a very minor car accident, but I hit my head pretty good on the steering wheel. Dumb me fell asleep, even though better judgment, my mother, told me not to. When will I learn to listen? Well, for about two hours after I woke up, the world to me was a new place. I had forgotten about the summer class I was taking, the fight Cory and I had had the day before, a lot of things. As everything started coming back, I realized I was not in a place I wanted to be. It was here that I started facing things that I wanted to sweep under the rug. I wanted to be more independent from my parents, which meant looking for a job. I had to realize that a lot of things that were "wrong" with our relationship, was not all his fault, but mine too. I had to get enough lady balls to tell my parents that I wanted to be an artist, and that I didn't care that I wouldn't make a great deal of money. In about 3 months, I had to get enough lady balls to do a lot of things, but I came to realize that a lot of the problem with everything that was a problem was that I was trying to be something that I was at one point in time. I was in a huge ego threat.

Around October, things started looking up more and more. I had a job. I had a major I liked. Cory and I have learned to talk more openly about problems. We learned to love each other here, especially around Thanksgiving time, which, coincidentally is when we first said "I love you". I learned to love myself again. I loved myself once before, but I was single then, and I know, it should be the same. But if you lose yourself in the relationship like I did, you have to learn to love yourself again. I think Cory loves me more for it.

In January/February, I came full circle. I, once again, do not have a job, which is probably something to rant about later. But I have other things that last year I didn't have. I have lady balls, which helps a lot. No one is walking over me now. I have a family that supports me, even though they are scared to death for me. I have friends that are just like me. They're nerdy and artsy and just a little left of center and brilliant. I have love, not only for someone else, but myself, which is really hard sometimes. And even on days when I feel all alone, then my parents, and Cory and the world are against me, I have myself. And if all else fails, I have this.

So thank you for taking the time to read this. This is about me handling all the bull shit that I really don't want to. This is about me breaking down every detail that doesn't make sense in my life, and me facing it and making it part of me. This is about me taking the good, and taking the bad, and taking them both and just living with it. This is me handling the truth.