True North

The question we are asked at even the earliest ages is quite a complex question: What do you want to be when you “grow up”?  When we’re young, we answer naively.  We want to be cowboys and pop stars.  As we get older, our answers aren’t as unreasonable, but they aren’t exactly achievable either.  I remember wanting to go to Yale or Harvard, graduating at the top of my class with a 4.0, and then becoming a litigator because according to the movie Clueless, those are the scary kind of lawyers.  Since then, I’ve wanted to be many things.  Finally after changing my major four times and taking many classes that I ended up not needing, I knew what I wanted to be when I “grew up”.  I took an Art History class my second semester here, but it took me another two semesters before I finally decided that I wanted to be an artist.  I wanted to be great.  Well, my parents weren’t too thrilled and left me with two options: pay for college myself and pay them back any money they had put toward my education, or get a teaching certificate and settle for teaching art.  So, my options of jobs that I would seriously consider applying for are an artist that owns an art gallery filled with my own works, or a teacher, preferably in high school or college, teaching people how to become what I want to be.

Now, I’m not clueless. I know that owning my own gallery and attempting to sell paintings that no one has ever heard of isn’t going to make me any money.  In fact, I would lose money.  But the thought of having a gallery in Dallas or Ft. Worth, or dare I say, New York, being right in the middle of everything, is enough to make me want it.  No artist started off making money right away; van Gough didn’t sell a painting until after his death.  But I’m not going to lie, I don’t care. I could be my own boss, set my own goals, and possibly hit it big. The job would be completely worthless, but getting the job would be a sure thing.

As for teaching, I’m not sure how I would feel about it.  I’ve been told I’m a good teacher, I’ve worked with kids in the past, and it would give me a chance to shape young minds.  But who are we kidding, it’s not what I want to do. The security is the only thing the job has going for it. I have to teach according to specific ruling, whether that be the state of Texas, or whatever private school I taught for. And where does it take me? The best I could get is “Teacher of the Year”.  Where’s the fun in that? And with the current demand for teachers being almost non-existent, it’s not even a guaranteed job.

So what am I going to attempt to be when I grow up? Well, the answer may shock you seeing how negative my previous paragraph was, but I plan on teaching.  When originally told I would have to teach, I was less than thrilled.  But having done some growing and thinking over the course of time, I’ve learned that I have more options that I thought when it comes to teaching, and it may not be so bad after all.  And I can only imagine how amazing it would be to see a student do a work modelled after one of my own.  When you add in the fact that it would give me an actual pay check, it becomes that much more appealing.

 Now I have to get there. When simply put, what I have to do is take the appropriate classes, do a semester of student teaching in a local school, take a test, and then apply for a job, which would result in obtaining a job and me spending the rest of my life happily behind a desk grading papers.  If only it were that simple.  Yes, those are the steps, but it requires much more when it’s all said and done.  I have to take a minimum of six hours of each separate type of art, and then pick two specific types and take an additional three hours in each.  Then I have to take my education classes that I have to maintain at least a B in to be allowed to enter my student teaching. After student teaching, I have to do so well on my exam to get my teaching certificate.  Once obtaining said certificate, I have to apply to multiple schools seeing as most schools aren’t looking for teachers, especially ones that teach classes that aren’t mandatory in every school. My main focus right now is making sure that with each branch of art I am introduced to that I learn everything I possible can about it. When it comes time for my education classes, I will make sure that I learn those concepts fully. These two steps will make it that much easier to obtain a job in the future.

So now you know what my future potentially holds for me.  I can only hope that I can stay with it and achieve my goals and more. Who knows, maybe as I sculpt young minds, I can find time to continue my own work and become not only “Teacher of the Year”, but the great artist that I can only dream of becoming.

Negative Nelly

I'm usually not a negative person, but man, that is not that case today. All I can think of is things that I don't want to do, or problems I don't want to deal with, people I don't want to see. And I know exactly where to place the blame: the kittens. They didn't outwardly do anything, accept wake me up an hour or so before my alarm clock went of because they wanted food and couldn't wait another hour. But before I had gotten up, I found my phone laying on the ground in a puddle of Dr. Pepper. Luckily, the only thing with the phone was that it was sticky, but that still leaves me with a mess on the floor to pick up. Then when I walked in the bathroom, I discovered that one of them had had an accident on the floor. Again, luckily it was something that needed to be thrown away. Well, that lead to deciding to clean the litter, which would have been easy if they wouldn't mess up the liner that is supposed to keep it all in a bag with draw strings instead of having to scoop all of it. Most of it though was in the bag. Lucky for me. Then I fed them and went to go clean up the Dr. Pepper mess they made.

Now that class is over and I don't have anything to do until 4, all I can think of is what I have to do and how bad I don't want to do it. The big one is work. First off, ever since I turned in my two weeks notice, I just feel like "Why?" Then, I work with a person who's not my favorite to work with. This one isn't as bad as the one from Monday, but they just do everything differently from everyone else, and it's the way you're supposed to do it, so it makes me feel bad doing it the way I was trained from everyone else. And I work Happy Hour. I am so tired of working Happy Hour. There has only been two days our of my entire employment that I haven't worked Happy Hour, and those were my training days. And the big thing that really annoys me is when people say "Keep the change," and it's only a penny or two. I just want to be like, "Thanks, the work and effort I put into your drink is just a penny." The customers aren't always the best.

But before that, I have some cleaning/packing to do; I have to unload things from my car; I have to take out the trash; I have dishes to do; and, I need to do at least half of the laundry so I have clean pants for work. Not to mention still take a shower and make myself presentable for work and start a little on my Design project so the teacher doesn't throw a hissy fit and go grocery shopping so I have actual food here.

Then that just makes me think of things I have to do before Friday, like completely finish packing, have a nice clean room so my dad doesn't harass me, clean my bathroom, and spray down the living room with an odor eliminator so my parents aren't bothered by the pet smell. I just don't feel like I have enough time to do all this, and add in how I don't want to do it. Those two feelings just feed off each other.

Oh well, I guess it's time to get to work. Yay!! (And please note the sarcasm in the yay.)

Go, Go, Go...Right Into a Brick Wall

So this "Go, Go, Go" mentality is starting to hit me harder than ever and I can't let it happen, not yet at least. I guess it has to do because no I'm a regular closer until I leave and closing sucks ass. It's not hard, it's just no fun. But I only have 12 more possible days of work. Well, if you want to be technical, 5 more possible days because I already have my schedule for the week. I only close one night this week, so I guess that's okay.

As for the rest of the week, I'm hoping to get a final answer from UNT. They sent a piece of mail on Saturday saying they needed my transcripts. Well, I already sent my ASU ones last Wednesday and then I sent my Navarro ones today. I hate waiting. My mom keeps telling me it's because I'm part of the instant gratification generation, and maybe it has a little to do with that. But also, this is my future. This is my promise to get the hell out of Dodge and start a new, healthy life for myself away from the life that I've been forcing myself to live for the past year and a half. I'm ready to just step away from this life.

I think once I'm away from here my art will flourish. I'll be around new culture, new people, smells, everything. I need charcoal real bad though. My parents are coming this weekend and they'll take the majority of everything with them, and that includes my art stuff. So I'm going to have to get some new charcoal to pass the next two weeks. Hello gesture drawings. But that's okay. I want to get a nice little collection of them. When I did them in Primary, I had some good charcoal ones, I just need practice. But gesture drawings are so freeing and it just lets me step away from the world. I need that right now.

As for everything else: Al is taking over my lease on May 5th, the day after I leave; I've turned in my two weeks notice; only one more week of real classes and then Dead Week; I think that's it. Thanks for listening to me ramble. I promise the next one will be more insightful.

Let's Do This

So I've been single for a week and one day now and I'm proud to say that I'm happy. Cory hasn't exactly been the sweetest guy about the break up which has lead me to realize I deserve so much better. I know, any of you who read the last post knows what happen and are probably saying "You didn't think you deserved better before?" Well, yes, I do believe I deserved better before, but I also believe everyone deserves a second chance. However, he has had a second chance, a few second chances. Well, needless to say, he's temporarily ruined second chances for guys in the future. But I'm in a really good place. I don't think I've ever been so happy.

I did an art project today and I'm really happy about it. I love the smell of paint and brush cleaner and I love the sound of the bristles stroking against the canvas. I know, it sounds weird to those of you who don't understand, but it puts me in a happy place. Y'all should definitely go to my Facebook and check out the new pictures, there's four of them.

You know what else makes me happy? Getting my shit done. I've never been so diligent about getting everything in order. In the past week, I have sent in my applications to UNT and TWU; called UNT and got some stuff figured out; e-mailed UNT and got more stuff figured out; got a number to call about financial aid at UNT; got my transcripts from ASU send to UNT and TWU and got it set up to send my final transcripts set up at the end of the semester, and that's just stuff for school. I'll talk about the other stuff later. But I'm really excited about the transfer, I think it will be a good thing. No, not think, I know. New campus, new friends, new guys. Really looking forward to the last one. Not that the guys here aren't great, I'm just ready for new ones.

Now, as for non-school related stuff, I have gotten all of my apartment stuff taken care of, well, my apartment stuff in San Angelo. As for once I get back to that side of the state, I'm not to certain. But, as for now, my wonderful friend Al is going to take over my lease which mean I only have one more month of rent to pay. Which is why I'm not certain about my living situation once I move. But only 21 day, pretty much 20 now, until I do leave. I've never been so excited.

I just excited about my new life. But I'm going to miss my current one, which is why I'm eventually going to throw a going away party so I can see everyone one last time before I head out. Once I get more information on that, I let everyone know.

A Tribute to Life

So, for those of you who haven't heard, I am single, I am picking up my life, and I am changing. Now, I know my profile still has couple type things on it, but I'll get to it eventually, it's a little harder to change than Facebook. And for all of you who want to know what happened, I'm going to actually tell you. I think everyone needs to know the truth so that way people don't think I'm running away.

He cheated. Cory cheated. I forgave him for cheating but I just couldn't trust him. After almost seven months of trying to trust, I couldn't. I mean, yeah, he got some trust back after doing certain things, but he was nowhere near the amount of trust that should exist between a couple. Now, I'm not saying this to bad mouth him, I'm really not. I still want him to accomplish everything that he wants in his life and I hope so much that one day he'll be in a place where he can have a relationship that isn't so lost. But I also don't want people to think that he is the victim here. We both are. We both did things that hurt the other and it broke us. What caused me to want to do this was I was talking to a friend who actually knew him more than some of my other friends, and telling her about it made me feel better than telling anyone else, just because she knew him and she knew people who know him very well.

I think another reason why I'm feeling better about it is that we actually talked today. We tied up some loose ends that I needed to be done. It really helped me. I knew it would. With my last boyfriend, we didn't tie up loose ends until about 3 months later and it took me a lot more time to feel good about everything and I knew I didn't want that again. So I said what I needed to say, and he took it well, and he told me things that I needed to know, and I know it was true and from the heart. I know for a little bit, we will probably not ever really talk. But maybe in a few months to a year, we can be able to talk like we used to before we were in a relationship and be friends.

The reason why I'm not scared that talking again would lead to another relationship is because I'm leaving San Angelo. I'm going to move back home and hopefully attend UNT. I'm glad that I'm going to be going home and that I'm going to be close to everyone. My grandparents just moved down and my aunt and uncle will be coming down soon too, so a good portion of my family is going to be here. I feel that I will finally be able to be an aunt to all three of my nieces, and that is so important to me. And I feel that I will be able to get a better education elsewhere. Not that ASU is a bad school, but it's not the best for what I'm going for. ASU is actually a pretty awesome school with some amazingly cool people and the culture on campus is really diverse for the size town it is.

So yeah, I'm a little sad. No, a lot sad. For obvious reasons. I've lost my boyfriend and best friend and I'm moving away from this second family that I have that is so amazingly sweet. But I know that in the end, this is what I need and with this change, I will accomplish everything.

Normal-ish

As much as I would like to say that for the past month I've been doing something amazing, like traveling across the country or painting some world changing painting, I haven't been. I have been doing nothing actually.Well, not nothing nothing. I've gone to class, looked for and obtained a job, went on a vacation with my mom, and had a successful birthday. But, honestly, I haven't done too much other than that.

I guess I've been trying to lay low. I think I've just been out of it lately since I haven't had a job. It's hard to maintain a scheduled and balanced life when you go to class for an hour or two and then have nothing to do the rest of the day. It gets to the point where all the dishes are clean and the clothes are folded and then the only thing you have to do all day is watch re-runs of Grey's Anatomy (I finished that, now I'm working on Desperate Housewives).

So, here's the break down of the month of March. The first two weeks of March was pretty much just classes. Cory introduced me to a new game called Rift. If y'all like WOW, then you'll like this too. Then, the week of Spring Break, my mom and I went to New Orleans. We stayed in a really nice hotel right on Bourbon Street. We spent a few days there shopping and doing the normal tourist type things. We ate at Cafe du Monde every day. They seriously have the best hot chocolate I have EVER had. You'll really have to get some if you ever go there. We took a horse and buggy ride. We ate at a really nice restaurant, you know, the kind that has the white table cloths and serves you water in the really nice glass goblets. It really was amazing and super yummy. Finally we had to come back. I spent a few more days at home, got together with Sam one of those days, then headed back.

Once back, I started my job search but not before having a mental knock-out drag-down war with my roommate. When I returned home from my trip, I found my once nicely, perfectly decorated living room turned into a place that looked like no one cared about it. My decorations had been removed and shoved in a closet. My kitchen utensils had been shoved into cupboards leaving objects broken. Needless to say, we had words. Nothing horrible or anything, at least on my behalf. However, when I left, I called my mother and let her know exactly how I was feeling. The next day, I removed everything from the living room and kitchen that's mine, including the TV that her and her friends were in the middle of watching. Life since has been a little topsy tervy. I've been staying with Cory until I can find someone to take over my lease or until it runs out. But I think I just might pay the money to have my name put on a list so I have a higher chance of my lease being taken over. But, until then, I will live a topsy tervy lifestyle.

After uprooting my life, I started my job search. I had three interviews and then got a job. Today was my first day. It's at Hastings as a Batista and cashier. I'm pretty excited about it. But, before I started, it was another week of school. I took a test and went to class. Then, I got sick. I was so panicked that I was sick and I was supposed to be starting my job in just a few days. Luckily, the bug passed before I started. And now, life is back to normal-ish. I mean, when you're starting a job, nothing is all that normal until you get the hang of everything.

So now, my life is normal-ish. I'm ready for the summer and the somewhat break that I'll get. But this is where my life has been the past month.